Election 2008: Final Cut or bottom of the barrel?

Posted March 19, 2008

"Overall, the remaining candidates leave a bad taste in your mouth just looking at them. Just like a pawed-over jar of jellybeans with only the licorice flavor left. Then again… you still can find unexpected surprises." — J. Christoph Amberger

by J. Christoph Amberger

Baltimore — (TFN): Your average Costco-sized jar of jellybeans weighs in at four pounds and offers 49 varieties of flavors. They come in all colors of the rainbow: Royal blue, speckled brown, canary yellow, bright ruby red… you name it, you can pick it.

Put it out on the dining room table or a desk in your office and something curious starts to happen. Bit by bit, bean by bean, the volume drops in the jar. Give it a day or two and the thing is almost empty. But it’s not just volume going down. It’s also variety. You started out with 49 different flavors, one fruitier or nuttier than the other. By the end of day 2, all you see at the bottom of the jar are three colors.

Gone are the bright yellows and blues, the light greens and the speckled browns. What’s left are a handful of the black beans and light brown and maybe some bright red.

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The reds are most definitely cinnamon and taste like a whiff of potpourri in a New England arts and crafts shop. The tan ones are peanut butter — not a popular flavor among Old World Europeans like myself. The black ones pose a different problem. They could be grape. They could even be root beer. Or they could be licorice. I sure can’t tell the difference.

Unfortunately, my children can. And they hate licorice-flavored jellybeans. Which, by a cruel process of natural selection, has increased the probability that whatever I pick, I’ll end up with a mouthful of foul-tasting licorice.

Accordingly I regard the forlorn remnant of jellybeans with the same hesitant disenchantment that I reserve for the remaining candidates for the presidential race.

Hillary, McCain, Obama… with all the fruits and nuts out of the race — even Huckabee and his Essence of FreeTax called it quits — the only candidates remaining are virtually indistinguishable and equally unpalatable. (read on below)

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Sure, there are subtle differences… of the same magnitude as between root beer and licorice. McCain is less likely than the others to cut and run in Iraq. He may also not be actively sawing at the free-trade posts that form the foundations of the US economy. Then again, he doesn’t mind the termites, either…

But overall, all of them leave a bad taste in your mouth just looking at them. Just like a pawed-over jar of jellybeans with only the licorice flavor left. Then again… you still can find unexpected surprises.

For all I know Ron Paul may still be running on the sheer tenacity of the hard-money wishful thinkers. And Ralph Nader just resurfaced like one of Bertie Bott’s specialty flavors. But even they do not represent a radical improvement in view of choice: Neither activated medical charcoal-flavored jelly beans… nor Bertie Bott’s earwax flavored one do anything for me. Maybe it’s time to just throw out the leftovers!

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